story | Tad Cruise

In the latest incident of high profile mixups, it has been revealed that Tan Tai Yong has been incorrectly announced as the new president of Yale-NUS College. Instead, Da Cheng Ren will be the next president.

The Yale-NUS College governing board has assured everybody that there was absolutely no interference from Yale, National University of Singapore (NUS) or the Singaporean government in the election.

During their acceptance speech on 1 April, Da promised the students and faculty to “Make Yale-NUS great again”. They have also announced plans to build a giant bubble between Yale-NUS and the outside world and make NUS pay for it because it’s technically on UTown land.

When asked about the decision to build a bubble instead of a wall, they said, “a wall is too hard and harsh; we just want everyone to feel safe and comfortable”. In line with this, the Yale-NUS Student Government will be holding a poll to name the bubble. Suggestions for the bubble’s name include The Yale-NUS Bubble and Bubbly McBubbleFace.

Critics expressed scepticism about the feasibility of this measure, but Da was confident. “I know these people, believe me, believe me, it will happen,” they said, citing their previous experience in the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences in NUS.

According to the Da administration, the purpose of the wall is to keep out “them no good politically incorrect people” so as to ensure the safety of the good, progressive people of Yale-NUS. In line with the building of the wall, the Da administration will also start registering all the politically incorrect people in Yale-NUS so that they can be monitored for subversive, politically incorrect activities that will threaten the foundations of this liberal arts institution.

On the homefront, Da is also expected to implement new policies to ensure that Yale-NUS remains perfectly politically correct. All suites, including those of the freshmen of class 2021, will from next semester onwards be mixed — because gender is just a social construct. All toilets will also become ungendered. Infrastructure has already started taking down the signs.

These policies have been met with widespread support from faculty and students. The new student organisation Fn Left whose motto is “Lefter than the Function Key!” was particularly pleased. “We are finally living up to the worst fears that people outside of the bubble have of us,” a spokesperson for the organisation said.

Ryan Schwarz, Rector of the newly renamed Kewalram Chenrai College, said the policies were in keeping with the ‘liberal’ parts of liberal arts. He said, “the hanky panky starts here.”

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