Story by Gus Jontin, Guest Columnist

We need a mascot, and we need it now. It doesn’t matter what people think. A college like ours, that established itself in the world with such flourish, certainly needs an animal, a creature, or an entity at least, to give the world an idea of who we are, what they are dealing with. Yes. We need it now.

The ideas for the mascot need to be as elaborate, as complex, as representative as possible. We are a college with students and faculty from over twenty nations, a liberal arts college with some of the brightest and most sophisticated minds. We need symbolism, imagery, and cultural significance: all bundled into this mascot. We cannot just have a lioness with a silly pun of our sibling school. We need more. A simple, unassuming mascot will not do.

We need to have polls, representative ones too; polls with students, faculty, cooking staff, gardeners, administrative staff and cleaning staff, our close friends and family can join too; they were instrumental in our upbringing as well. You see, we need everyone to participate, at least two thirds of the population of this college has to be involved for the mascot to be affirmed. The fact that we are taking so long to decide is testament to the effort that is needed to have the perfect mascot.

So can’t you see? We have the power to choose, and it is apparent that a school so young needs to make this decision soon. I implore all of you, every last person, to fill out the (forms? Online surveys?) and give us your opinion. Your true opinion as well, not what your friends think, not what the majority thinks. We wouldn’t want you to be influenced by the majority. Remember, the mascot has to be representative of you, reflect the desires of every last member of our school. Perhaps it should have an Oriental name and a Caucasian face? It should be found in at least three of the seven continents, wait, make that four. It has to understand at least 15 languages, or none at all. Wait, does that matter? Do animals talk? Who says it has to be an animal?! Jeez, I don’t know.

We need people in our college to start voting now. We cannot leave any stone unturned in the relentless search for representation, for complex symbolism. Whatever emerges from our voting will be regarded with truth and absolution. This mascot will become us, we the mascot. It will be ingrained in our identity and flashed at inter-varsity games. It will hug the athletes, hug itself, touch others, and even touch itself. When we see its majestic form by the side of the bleachers, our lungs will fill with the humid, haze-filled Singapore air and our hearts no longer cast asunder. It will be a moment of realization that will resonate throughout our school history, the story of the mascot we will tell our kids. Such is the power of a mascot.

So go, play your part for the school. It will be lovely. We will become something smarter, faster, greater. Most of all, we will be whole; for a school like ours, so diverse, so spread out over three colleges, a school like ours needs something more concrete than the abstract concept of community. We need the tangibility of a mascot, one we can bow to and sing praises to as our flags rise in the morning. Yes, we need it now.

This article originally appeared in the April Fools Edition of The Octant and is intended for satirical purposes.

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