Taurus: Guilt is festering away inside you: the apples, bananas, and cutlery you smuggled from the dining hall are physical reminders of your unsavoury pastime.

 

Gemini: You find yourself increasingly amenable to the idea of forging foreign ties— time to venture into the unfamiliar terrain of NUS!

 

Cancer: This month, you’ll be awakened not by a sudden divine revelation of some sort, but rather by the shrill, merciless ring of Cendana’s fire alarm.

 

Leo: You will read at least eight words today.

 

Virgo: You don’t often commit to more than you can deliver, but the stars reckon that this is a good week to finally say yes to fourteen more clubs.  

 

Libra: Expressing yourself in a radically different way today becomes your top priority– just make sure you do it with clothes on.

 

Scorpio: The going gets tough when combative Mars meets headfirst with ruthless Pluto. Thankfully, the strategic Libra Moon enables us to minimize negativity by refusing to get out of bed.

 

Sagittarius: Your need to strengthen your social network makes you want to transcend your individuality to become your own institution. #iamyalenus

 

Capricorn: Your fantasies about an exciting upcoming adventure come true when you realize you’re taking Principles and Techniques of Software Development next semester.

 

Aquarius: This semester, expect to meet a mysterious, dark, intellectual stranger: Introduction to Black Holes.

 

Pisces: Put in the midnight hours and you may just earn the latin honors of your dreams – summa cum loudly.

 

This article originally appeared in the April Fools Edition of The Octant and is intended for satirical purposes.

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