Dear Auntie Agony,
My new relationship is taking a toil on me.
You see, I live in Saga but my significant other lives in Cendana.
I know some people have it worse. Their significant others are literally on the opposite side of the world while we’re only separated by the muddy eco-pond and I’m not a particularly needy or clingy or even emotional person. Even so, the distance is tearing us apart. Please help.
Yours sincerely,
Not-a-needy Sagacian
Dear Not-a-needy Sagacian,
Long distance relationships are not easy—the extra distance makes even simple day-to-day things like snuggling 24/7 unachievable. But here are some tips that may help you get your long distance relationship sailing smoothly.
First of all, be sure to communicate more than regularly. If you’re too lazy to walk to Cendana, there’s always Skype and Facetime. Jazz it up a little by posting each other hand-written love-letters and love packages. Or you could, you know, just walk over to deliver the mail and pay your significant other a visit on the way.
Also, demonstrating your intimacy to other people is always a good way to strengthen your relationships. Feel free to PDA anywhere and everywhere that suits your convenience. Lecture halls, classrooms, dining hall, courtyard, sky gardens etc. The laundry room is particularly conducive to such activities—stay safe, and clean! It absolutely does not make things uncomfortable for other people.
Last, give each other pet names. Because nothing keeps a relationship going stronger than disgustingly cute names as Cheeky Cendol, Snugglebear Sagacian, Erotic Elmo, Foxy Fuzzbutt etc. For the uninspired, Yusuf and Zulaikha is a great help.
But, if despite all these efforts, your mutual ardour still remains as fervent as ever, you could always apply to switch RCs. Though, for the sake of the rest of us, only turn to this option as a last resort.
Good luck, I hope your relationship actually lasts.
Love,
Auntie Agony
This article originally appeared in the April Fools Edition of The Octant and is intended for satirical purposes.