Sunday, April 11, 2021

Cendana College Students Ask Infra to Remove the Sun

Michael Sagna
Michael Sagna, ‘23, is a GA major in Cendana. Bursting with unsolicited opinions, he passes his time playing volleyball (badly), eating rambutan alone in his room, and perfecting his shakshuka recipe.

Story by | Michael Sagna, Managing Editor

Photo Credit | Screenshot: Youtube

Cendana students are a picky bunch. After the petition for the removal of Jīmmy Nugget due to his loud crowing, residents of the college have gone further in their demands, with Brian Gao ‘23 recently calling for the removal of the sun.

“It’s almost exam week and we have a lot of assignments right now. The last thing I need is a main-sequence star interrupting my sleep,” he explained in an interview with The Octant. “If everyone can agree that the rooster should be removed, why don’t they see the need for [the sun] to go? It has woken me up every day for the past 23 years.”

Gao went on to explain that, despite his extensive communication with the college’s infrastructural services, they have failed to address the issue. “Infra claims it has a 98% response rate within 24 hours, and yet their responses on this issue have been unhelpful. Something about ‘not being able to remove a body from the solar system,’ whatever that means. If they leave it any longer I might have to take matters into my own hands.”

Similar sentiments were shared by others. In a post on the college’s Facebook page, Lisa Lawrence ‘22, wrote “Hello…on a very serious note has the sun ever disturbed your sleep, hence, its presence being detrimental to your wellbeing?” In the poll attached, roughly a third of respondents agreed with the question posed.

However, not all students agreed with the proposition. Aiman Aziz ‘24 was strongly opposed to the measure.

“If I didn’t want sun I would have gone to Yale Yale.”

By just how much they hate the sun, it would seem that Cendana students really are snowflakes.

This article was featured in The Octant’s April Fool’s edition. All content is satirical.

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